Attack of the Giant Leeches

Attack of the Giant Leeches

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Theater Rating:

Host Segment Rating:

Indoctrinationability: Poor

Episode: This is not one of my favorites at all. There are some really good bits in there but it's one of those episodes that seems to drag on forever. I've seen it about three times so there must be a decent riff/movie ratio since I have not contemplated suicide yet. The leech song is pretty funny.

Movie: Some giant leeches terrorize a small southern town. Like any human of normal intelligence would wade into a swamp filled with mosquito larvae and who knows what all.

Short: The Undersea Kingdom short, some annoying kid sneaks into a wrestling match. The wrestler saves the kid, then takes a ride Under the sea

Intro: We see a couple of clowns on the Hexfield Viewscreen...

HoloClown 2: Have I shown you guys my magical whimsical squirting flower?
Tom: Yes, about a kazillion times!
Holoclown 2: Well did I show you my rash?
All: NOO!!!
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the satellite of Love, a couple of weeks ago I set up this holoclown unit to cheer up the bots but now it won’t turn off and it’s getting hard to sleep at night and I’m tasting metal!
::One of the Holoclowns motions for Gypsy to come closer::
Holoclown 1 (To Gypsy): Hey little girl, would you like a salted nut roll?
Gypsy: Joel!! Joel!!
Joel: I know Gypsy!!
Holoclown 2: Ahhhh!! Ahhhh!! Ahhhhhh!!!
HoloClown 1: What are you screaming about?! Do you think I like being stuck here in limbo with you? No!! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven’t killed you!
Tom: Joel, this is getting really weird, you’ve got to do something!
Magic Voice: Joel, do something, I hate those clowns too and I don’t even exist
Joel: I’m trying Servo *fiddling with Holoclown unit, grabs a wire::
Tom: Yeah, that’s it that’s the one!!
Holoclown 1: Joel Robinson don’t you do that!
Joel: I have to do it to start over!
HoloClown 1: Don’t you do that!
Joel: I have to do it to start over! *cuts the wire*
Holoclown 1: Don’t you do that! *fades away*
Tom: Phew!
Crow: Lets not do that again!
Gypsy: I’ll say!
Joel: We’ll be right back...

::Commercial Sign::

Invention Exchange: Dr. Forrester invents the nicotine leech which will suck any desire to smoke out of people. He puts it on Frank:

Frank: Say, this is the most action I've had in...
Dr. F.: Shut up, Frank!

Up in the Satellite of Love Joel invents the Insti-adolescent kit. Turns you into a paranoid teenager quick

Host Segments:

The bots comment on the ridiculous outfits the actors in the Serial were wearing and Joel tells them:

Joel: If you want to take over the world you got to get gussied up to beat the band!
Crow: No kidding, just look at the flamboyant costumes the bad guys were gadding about in. Togas, Spaghetti strainers...
Joel: Right, now if you were going to take over the world, what would you dress up in? And what would be your caper?
Tom: Oh, I’d turn all those who oppose me into the boy in the plastic bubble, for obvious reasons.
Crow: I’d freeze all the world’s oceans! Just before I slipped into my Frito Bandito costume...
Joel: Yeah, it’s fun to think about but you got to know, anyone who is really serious about world domination is going to end up looking like a real snickerdoodle
::Cut to Deep 13 where Dr. F is dressed as a Pirate and Frank is dressed like a dog::
Dr. F(To Joel): What’s that supposed to mean?! I’ll deal with you later! Back to the drill frank!
::Frank gets on his knees and starts pawing at Dr. F::
Dr. F(To Frank) You will bow down before me, Son of Jorell, Bow down!::
::Commercial sign::

Joel and the bots sing a song dressed as the southern bumpkins in the movie:

We’re a danger to ourselves and others
Our cousins are as close as brothers
I stay out in the rain all the time

He’s a danger to himself and others
Only likes shows with Sally Struthers
I can’t even think of a word that rhymes

How Dumb are you, Uncle Dad?

Well Pretty dumb that’s for sure!

How dumb are you, Uncle Dad?

Well this pipe’s filled with manure!

HEY! I’m a danger to myself and others
???? ????? ????? ????? ??????
Hunting leeches is what we call a good time!

::Joel lights some dynamite and tosses it over the boat, it explodes in their faces::
Tom: I’d like to shake hands with any Giant Leech that could live through that!
Crow: What, the dynamite or that crappy song?

Joel and the bots talk are sitting around drinking coffee and talking about their dreams...

Joel: I dreamt that we all got back down to earth, and you two got a duplex together
Tom: I had a dream that I had this really pretty girlfriend with a red hair and a blue dress, but then she turned into a gargoyle and I was really scared, but then Jesus came and everything was ok.
Crow: You saw Jesus?
Tom: Yeah, nice guy. Better than you might think.
Crow: I can never remember my dreams too well, Joel.
Tom: Well, you know, I never could either, till I started keeping a journal.
Joel: What do you dream about Gypsy?
Gypsy: I dream I fly in color
Joel: Oh you dream you flew, that means you’re intuitive!

Conclusion:

Crow: Knowing what I know, I'd say the leeches were smarter than a sea turtle, but dumber than Danish Physicist Neils Borge.

Back in Deep 13 Dr. F realizes he left the leech on too long, Frank is all white and the leech is bigger than him. Dr.. F takes the leech off::

Dr. F: Great, now that you’ve sucked all the blood out of Frank, what are you going to do?
Leech: Oh, write, produce, be as creative as I can!
Dr. F: Have you ever thought about the Mad Scientist game?
Leech: Don’t get me started! I’ve got some ideas, maybe we can do lunch?
Dr. F: Sure!
Leech: Do you think you could pick it up, I’m flat busted!
::Dr. F shrugs acceptance::
Leech: You know I’d really like to produce you...

::Frank falls face first onto the button::

Book: Paul Chaplin loves this movie. Did you want to know why? READ THE BOOK!

Favorite Lines:

One bit that had me rolling on the floor was a scene in the Undersea Kingdom short where this super high-tech atlantean APC comes out of it's cave, it looks like the APC from Aliens only it's made of Cardboard... As it's lamely making it's way out, Joel and the bots make circus music, slowing down and speeding up with the APC... Perfect effect!

Later in the same show, the APC is tearing down this road, Crow does his Dukes of Hazzard narrator voice:

Crow: Round about that time, the ol' duke boys had made some modifications to the ol' General Lee.

Favorite Observations: